ten.

i want to cry. i want to scream. i want fall weather. i want answers. i want to live guilt free. i want to say what i mean. i want this. i want that. i want to find the person to bridge the gap. i want to hit you. i want to kiss you.

i am tried. i am weary. i am a mess. i am broken. i am sick. i am a mistress. i am a lover. i am breaking hearts undercover. i am hurt. i am broken. i am everything you had. i am everything you want back.

i need love. i need help. i need hope. i need him. i need God. i need forgiveness. i need things to make sense. i need music. i need coffee. i need to run. i need more than temporary fun. i need everything but this. i need nothing. i need bliss.

they taunt me. they want me. they destroy me. they haunt me. they won't go away. they are here to stay.

they all remind me...i'm me.

nine.

i've been doing a lot of thinking lately. i don't know how many times i have sat down to write something & just given up. i have so many things running through my head that there's just no way to put them into, or well, onto this virtual paper.

lots of things have been changing. some things have changed slowly & i was able to catch the change & deal appropriately. while others changed so quickly that it has taken me off guard. change is good. it is sometimes extremely uncomfortable but i always believe it is good. it allows you to grow in ways you never thought imaginable.

i feel like i am about to cross a bridge in my life. i am looking down the road ahead but i must get over this bridge first. i have lots of decisions to make & they are sadly not little ones. they are quite crucial & it kind of makes me fearful. changes that could effect everything in my future. i wish i had an outline of my life. an outline is never definite but it does give you a sense of the direction of order. i want that. sadly, life is not that accommodating.

i decided after lots of consideration to give up something or yet someone i have wanted to hold onto for awhile. reality hit me one day & blinders were taken off my eyes. i sat down on my bed & weighed out everything & found that it was a lost cause, a waste of my beautiful & precious time, & it was simply not worth it. i pulled out my prayers & list of what i so long for &...it did not line up. i should've done it quite some time ago but sometimes the truth hurts & we try to avoid it. i honestly thought it would take a while to let go & get over but surprisingly it didn't. everything i felt kind of just vanished. if only it were that easy every time...

oh, music. i've never felt so creative in my whole entire life. i am trying to take advantage of it. the fall is still up in the air. do i push myself so hard & come out stronger or take the easy route? the first option might make me incredibly miserable but in the end i think it would be more beneficial. i have a lot to decide. i, unlike my normal self, have decided not to worry about it till the time comes. so i won't. it is officially on the back shelf of my mind. when the time is right things will fall into place.

i'm quite content with life at the moment. i've been on a crazy roller coaster the last week or so...my health is well how it always seems to be, horrid. there's a select few who know how i really feel. there's nothing i can do though but pretend that i feel completely fine. i get embarrassed when people go into my bathroom & there's black hair covering the ground. my hair has been falling out more than it ever has & my energy is non existent. but i will go on acting as if i am ok. after all, no one can help me. so i look to the Lord for supernatural strength to make it through each day. but for some odd reason i am happy still. i'm not sure what has brought on this contentment...despite my total confusion about life, currently, i am happy. the only thing that can explain this happiness is the feeling of hope. there's a way - some way.

hope in Christ. hope in love. hope that one day everything will fall into place & make some sense. that's my hope.

eight.

my history has so devastatingly has been repeating right in front of my eyes & i have been blind & oblivious to it. how could i allow this to happen?

let me just spill about my insecurities & my fears for a moment if you don't mind. most people seem to not care aabout hurting me anyway. i am breathing & that is all that matters. if i am dying on the inside it doesn't matter. i'm going to be extremely frank.

i am extremely afraid of trusting anyone. i've trusted people i shouldn't have trusted. told secrets that i should've kept. i'm beginning to regret my decision.

i, since my thyoid condition, have been more than uncomfortable in my body. somedays i wake up & feel that i have accepted what my body has done & other days i fight tooth & nail to not hate the way i look. i don't know how many times i have looked in the mirror & been so disgusted at the way i am now. i feel i can never be "gorgeous". i'm not. i know it was out of my control but i am gross. horrid. i sometimes think i take better pictures than what i really look like in person. maybe that's why i was always a print model?

speaking of body image i absolutely hate my braces. i haven't come to accept the fact that i now look like an overweight round faced twelve year old with braces. i don't like smiling. i sometimes don't like talking. i'm beginning to be critical. i'm really good with the fake self-confidence thing.

as stupid as this sounds i miss having "someone". i miss having a relationship even a casual dating relationship. i miss having someone to talk to. i miss having someone to hold. i miss being able to be goofy. i miss feeling protected. i miss feeling wanted. i haven't been wanted in a long time. it kills when you never feel good enough.

i'm really hurt right now if we're being honest. i feel defeated & beat down. i feel used. i feel rejected. i'm very used to these feelings. i'm trying to not let them eat away at me but they are...

i have to be busy or i realize that i am: alone & with no set purpose in life other than to live through my music. i have nothing really but a tiny shred of dignity. i'm losing that too...

i used to love myself, through & through. after people use you, hurt you, disappoint, & lie to you it breaks you down. all this time i was strong i thought that it wasn;t me & then it all starts attacking you & making you think how worthless & ugly you are...i've been told this all my life but maybe maybe they were right. i feel like a failure.

i thank goodness for the friends i have that really know me. who hold me together when i feel everything is falling apart. i've been slowly falling apart behind closed doors for quite awhile. i've talked with most of them & they have encouraged me to love who i am that is isn't me. it isn't. i tell myself everyday that i am & will be ok. even if i am not the most gorgeous girl, if i can't get a boyfriend, i can't afford a bachelors degree...i am going to be OK! i need to love myself again. i just feel really mistreated. are there any good guys left? i'm waiting. i believe if there are they are worth waiting for...just wait & hold on.

i feel like this was horridly depressing & i apologize but this is me being honest. i can't lie anymore when truth is screaming to get out. so maybe the next time you are with me & you are about to lie. you're about to get my hopes up. the next time you look into my rather large green eyes you will stop & think...that there's a hurting little girl in there.

i'm on the mend. i won't let history repeat itself. it's taken years to get over & i don't think i can take it again. i can be quite the mess but amongst it, somewhere, there's beauty. inner beauty that will hopefully reflect outwardly...

seven.

i feel ridiculously stupid. yep.

six.

i only wish i could fully & understandably describe all what's going on in my head right now. i truly believe you can only keep hiding things from yourself by stuffing them down for so long then they must come out. i am doing everything in my power to prevent that explosion of emotion from coming...i busy myself, contantly. if i sit around it starts trying to expel itself. i am refusing. i know i'd feel better if i just said what i needed to say but it will not happen. i'd rather be silent & a little miserable than the consequences & possible side effects of the situation.

one of the only times i have confronted someone i cared about it turned out to be a mess. so i from then on out have decided to keep everything to myself despite it's negative effects on me...it's worth it right? well maybe not logically but it is...it is. it is.

on a happier note...i'll write about the good events of this weekend. just not in the reminiscing mood at the moment.

five.

i just woke up from a mini seizure. i haven't had one in over a year. i was lying on my couch sleeping quite well when my head started pounding, my eyes flew open, & like electricity running through my body i started flailing about. the weird thing about seizures is that you are conscience of what is happening but you can't stop it. it's the oddest feeling like something has taken over your body. something is more powerful than you are. it ended quickly, thank goodness, but i'm still reeling. my head hurts & i am sick to my stomach to the point where i can't stand up at the moment. i can't figure out what could've triggered it.

besides the randomness of that event my weekend/week has been very good. i've gotten to spend quality time with PAC members. i love them. they are truly my best friends. i'm not real sure what i'd do without them. i can call any of them at any time & one if not all will come hang out with me. i don't think i have ever had a group a friends like that.

last night i went over to jacie's house around 11pm to work on making harry potter glasses for quidditch today. well, i ended up watching her make them. i watched youtube videos haha. after the glasses were made jacie & i decided to write some very random songs as well as act a little at like 2am. it's funny how much fun we have doing the simplest of things. speaking of yesterday me & two other PAC members went on a nice bike ride/walk. it was in the mid to high to 90's but we had fun exercising. then another PAC member went to walmart so he could grab quidditch equipment then in boredom we headed to the vintage township to walk around. it was a good day...

oh, now on to more personal matters, love life. the one that i thought was non existant now is existing & i am honestly not handling it well. i went on a random date the other night which was a bore but besides that all of a sudden a few guys have taken an interest. if i might be honest it is quite overwhelming. i don't know how long i have said that i have wanted a relationship & now that i have that i have a serious chance of having one i'm scared to death. i am pushing them away. it's funny how it all works out the one you want you can't have but then again you might be that "one" someone else wants that they can't have. i keep telling myself i am to busy. i am but i think a lot of it is fear. i don't know if someone caring for me that much scares me but it does or if it just not a mutual feeling. i'm not real sure but i have to work some things out first in my mind before i commit. i feel oddly chased...a little vunerable as well. i wasn't expecting all this attention. i got what i wanted right?! be careful what you wish for...

anyway, this was a weird blog haha. i think i am going to lay back down & try to feel better.

four.

i should be in bed. oh, i should be but of course in my stubborness i am up writing. it's like an addiction. i must write my thoughts on the day. i guess to kind of clear my mind before bed.

well today was like a roller coaster. sota & i went to lunch as well as went to court to take care of my ticket which is going to end up costing me about $300. i was so upset. my ticket pretty much sets me back financially for a month. anywhoo, i threw a little hissy fit but i am now over it. nothing i can do to change what happened. moral of the story don't speed in lubbock because they will rape you.

so then i go to work & it was a little overwhelming at first but i got the girls to vacation bible school and gunnar & i went to a park. we stayed for a little over an hour then went to my house to hang out & watch spongebob. after an hour & a half gunnar wanted to go to another park. i invited a friend to go with us then took them back to work with me for what was supposed to be an hour but ended up like a little over three. i felt horrible because they had prior engagements. anyway, they helped out a lot.

so i just got home & settled. i wish that i could just magically fall asleep like the rest of the world. i have to do something creative. writing & music before bed, yes please. i have been iching to write music but i have so many ideas cluttering my mind. i know exactly what i want to write about but the words haven't been coming out lately. i'm getting the melodies so easy which is odd. usually the words flow so free & the melody comes towards the end. everything has kind of been wierd lately so why not musically too, right?

so i play the same melody on my guitar every night & try to invision the words. it must be some kind of amazing song waiting...i feel like i have done a lot of talking today. prolly too much talking actually. i open up & then quickly regret it. i don't know. i almost can feel myself talking these words & not liking it. it's quite the odd feeling. so i am going to bed. turn on both fans, wrap myself in blankets, & surround myself in my fort of pillows & knowing me run through my day, run through tomorrow, then contemplate the future. i have no idea what is next...

no idea. it's whatmakes like crazy beautiful - the surprise.

three.

so this is pretty much me trying to waste time. i got to bed at a decent/early hour tonight, 11:00pm. i fell asleep quite quickly which for me is a miracle. it usually takes me an hour or two to actually that the plunge into dream land. i have to analyze the day finished then analyze the following day. anyway, i fell asleep quickly.

i was having quite the delightful dream. i was living in paris. sounds crazy huh? my dream was all in black & white. i could hear the people in my dream speak in french. heavy yet beautiful accents, the thing is is that i do not speak french. i was in an art school...i don't know. it was an odd but good dream but i suddenly awoke with strange pains from my stomach.

i always have a generous supply of water bottles by my bedside. i downed one & tried to lay back down. no luck. i had to run to the restroom. i hate throwing up. it has to be one of the worst things ever. i've been up for a good two hours now super sick. ugh, this is lame. i can't lay down. i've got a horrid headache to accompany my reeling tummy.

so i am sick & bored not to mention exausted. i have work tomorrow & lots to accomplish in the next few days. so if your reading this you are prolly just as bored as i am. i thank goodness have kings of leon & radiohead keeping me lovely company. bah & boo for feeling horrible.

two.

yesterday, as well as the last few days, have been my idea of perfect. well minus the hail & high winds. i love the rain. i have no idea why i like it so much. i like the way it looks, smells, & the after effects in has on creation - everything new.

i love dancing in the rain! i remember my best friend & i in high school would jump at the chance to dance in the rain. we'd pull over & like two crazy girls turn up the radio & dance. it's prolly one of the most beautiful & refreshing things. i still - even when i am by myself - get out of my car, well if i have nowhere to go, & dance. oh to dance & twirl & jump in puddles. it makes me feel like a kid. i love it.

so needless to say rainy days are my favorite! get out & dance then go home get hot chocolate & watch black & white old movies. bah, classic. i don't know how many times i have told myself that that to me would be the perfect date. yea, i',m not exactly a dinner & a movie kinda girl. haha, maybe because that costs money & well it's so, so, so traditional, boring gag. i'm a hey lets dance in the rain, go to an art museum, ride bikes, watch movies at home, go camping, random roadtrip to a nearby town just cause, talk a stroll downtown, find a field to watch stars, lets take pictures of stuff (i like photography) - kinda girl. so simple, right? i have almost & sadly come to the conclusion that those guys no longer exist. i've gotten laughed at by guys apparently those things sound boring. who knew? the guys now want to go out to eat then to a movie, then to a party or club. no thank you. so what do i do? do these things by myself. i like adventure. funny thing is is that adventures are so simple. i'm prolly the most complex person & yet i believe the simple things are most important & most fun!

so as i sat on my porch last night watching the rain pour down i thought to myself, "i really wish i had a boyfriend that i could call & be like hey lets go dancing in the rain!" better yet have a boyfriend that'd ask me to do that. how cool would that be, super! one day i told myself. one day i will have that guy who just as simple & adventurous as me. i believe there has to be a a few men out there like that. maybe that's why it's harder to find them. there's so few of them that are super amazing but are so worth the wait. after having this conversation with myself i kicked off my heels & ran in my front yard. it was beautiful, so beautiful, that i couldn't quit smiling. so simple, so perfect, so haha...me.

one.

i fell asleep quite quickly last night. i fell asleep in my dress. i feel asleep listening to the spring awakening soundtrack. as i curled up in my bed "those you've known" started playing. i was quite cold & could not find my blanket so i positioned myself in a fetal position. i felt so relieved about some things & yet still carrying so much but i shall continue to bore some secrets. somethings are never meant to be spoken. if you know, me, you'll be able so read my eyes. if you find that i can't quite look you in the eyes consider the words i will never speak to you...consider.

i woke up early for church which i had not been to in quite sometime. life has been wearing me down. i've become a tried & weary actress. i can play happy like a pro. i arrived ten minutes late & sat on the very back row. i tried so hard to concentrate on the words. we were reading in exodus three when God revealed himself to moses through the burning bush. moses, oh dear moses. i was skimming the tattered pages in bible. then all i heard is, "who is to say you're not worth it? who is to say your not good enough? who said you can't? who has the right?" my eyes widened, my heart began to race, my hands begin to shake. i felt like he was speaking to me like there was no one else in that whole room. i felt nervous & anxious for the words that followed. "the only time you are alone is the moment you decide you are alone. God never leaves you." it's everything i didn't want to hear but needed to hear. it's so simple. so simple.

in my mind i was pacing. here i am at this point in my life where i can start all over. rebuild what i have torn down & destroyed. there must be destruction before something becomes better. i'd gotten so much & yet so little accomplished last night. sometimes i wish people could read my mind so i wouldn't be haunted by what i should & need to say. the last thing i want to feel is rejection. i will spill my heart about everything else but this one thing. just one thing. one.

with a new beginning right here in front of me i can step back & evaluate my position in this world. i am so close to accomplishing a goal that seems so samll to most but means the world to me. college for me is about to come to a close. the chapter is so close to a finish. it's rush of fear & yet freedom. everyone wants to know what it is next & i can't answer because i do not yet know. i am somewhat ok with the feeling. i want to travel & discover. i want new york, seattle, london, & paris. i want to walk & not know where i am going. i want to meet people & experience culture. i will be able to do this & that is a crazy amazing confusing feeling. it's what i need - wind through my hair - the rush of freedom filling my lungs.

should i give way to someone. oh i would. love is worth it. love, true love is worth giving up life itself for. there is hope for love. hope without faith can not survive. they are quite the pair. so i must aquire faith. then believe in hope. oh & love shall follow. it's a recipe for life. give me life. give me liberty. give me love...

as for now, i will curl up in my bed & dream. dream until there's nothing more to dream till hope dies. i can do anything. that option is still open. it has never been taken away. it's my human right given by God as free will. i am free. freedom is running through my veins. so as i rebuild as i recapture passion & dream i will find happiness in the moment. the day. the sound of a rushing car. the smell of rain. the air filling my lungs. the whispers of the trees. i will be happy for the sake of pursuing joy & hopefully living life to the potencial that God created me to fulfill.

start anew.

i have been a mess all day. i decided to start all over. i have so many things just running through my mind. i stayed up all night with some friends & then this morning we decided to drive to the country & watch the sunrise while dancing to the oldies on the radio. a rush of memories flooded my mind as the sun arose on the horizon. though i was smiling so brightly & dancing in the streets i wanted so bad to just breakdown & cry. i've become a good actress. i will be laughing on the outside & dying inside. nothing is right at the moment. i had been in great spirits believing that it's alright. that i am alright. that i am ok. i am not. i know what i want i can't have & so i lie & say that i have no idea what i want. the thing about lying to yourself is that when you are a good liar you begin to believe your lies.

i've got my share of secrets. the skeletons in my closet are coming alive & ready to pay a visit to anyone willing to keep them company. i keep shoving them back in. i know them by name my sweet hurt, anger, shame, my past, my love. i only have so much strength to keep them in check. oh but today, every bit of my strength left me. my skeletons knocked me down to the floor, walked all over me, & taunted me. needless to say i lost it. after being kicked so sudden when i was already way down i ran to my room, locked the door, & cried myself to sleep. i put my blanket over my mouth trying to muffle my pain.

i have been like this in two years. since that day in july. i remember being numb for a moment then grasping my blanket & crying to the point of being ill. though now it is a different situation i had the same reaction. i fell asleep & somehow when you cry yourself to sleep your rest is very peaceful. i was awakened by shattering glass, heavy winds, & hail pounding the ground. it starled me so much that i woke up screaming. i grabbed my robe & ran outside to move some things. i ran across my yard where the wind was moving me & hail abruptly slapped against my body. the cold stole my breath. i stopped & started crying again. thinking to myself, "this feels like my life. it's attacking me. trying to swallow me." on my ay back to the porch i fell hard. i tried so hard to get up but my knee was throbbing. i just wanted someone to give me their hand, help me up, & hold me. i stumbled to my feet & made it inside.

i need my friends right now but i want to be alone at the same time. maybe i am afraid that they might see i am weak right now. i keep confusing myself. i tried eating today & failed. i finally got a sandwich down. i went into take a shower. a long shower, wishing it would wash away everything. every emotion that's been tearing me up. i just wanted to walk out & start over. i got dressed for tonight looking as good as i could being in the state i am in. i then went back to my room which somehow had locked from the inside. the hinge is on the inside, it's a keyed lock, & my window will not open - it never has. my phone would not pick up signal & none of my neighbors were home. so i, in my white lace cocktail dress, walking down three blocks in a hail/rain storm to a corner store. my white lace dress was now a tan tone & was slick against my body & my curled hair now crossed my face, & my makeup was gone & i asked for a phone to call my parents who are in amarillo. i walked back home in the storm, head down. i now looked like what i had been feeling. i went into my backyard & sat on the cold concrete in my dress & started crying again. asking God for guidance & wisdom. i can't do this alone. i feel like i am not good enough for anyone. here i am feeling like a complete fool. i was broken before God. i hadn't felt vunerable well at least i have been hiding it very well.

i took another shower & now i am sitting in my den with candles lit listening to La Valse d'Amelie. i'd been down on myself all day but thanks to my friend rt i spilled my heart. he made me feel a little bit better. i've been told by people i care about that i will never be cared or loved by anyone, that i will never be good enough, or suceed. so in the midst of falling apart i heard those words i had heard as a child ring through my ears. they said that my relationships are reflections of how worthless i am. all we as human beings want is to love & be loved in return. i am always holding my heart on a string for the world to see. i'm so quick to trust. so quick to fall for people who don't care about me nor the condition of my heart. as much as i have told myself i don't want to "tied down" or that i don't need anyone...i can't lie. i do. it's in my dna, my makeup, my personality. all i ever wanted as a little girl was a guy to fall in love with me & grow old with me start an adventure with me then plan a family. i've been fighting those dreams because i want to be selfish. it always comes back to that though. for some odd reason God put a strong desire on my heart for that.

marriage, yea i am in no rush & i still don't want to be hardcore "tied to someone" but i do wish that someone would want to know me as much as i would want to know them. i just want someone to share my heart with & my dreams. i can't continue to lie to myself. i would be foolish & believe me it is what i have been. i've broken myself down & talked myself down so much that now i have to rebuild who i am. i know who i am, thank goodness.

oh today, i have learned & been through every emotion that i have been hiding. i stuff down my anger, i conceal my hurt, i lie about my desires but you as a human can only hold so much in until it must come out. one of the most amazing things though is the beauty of the breakdown & they beauty that comes with the rebuild. it's a process not to be rushed but there is a time to start anew, this is mine.

- christine nicole