let me just spill about my insecurities & my fears for a moment if you don't mind. most people seem to not care aabout hurting me anyway. i am breathing & that is all that matters. if i am dying on the inside it doesn't matter. i'm going to be extremely frank.
i am extremely afraid of trusting anyone. i've trusted people i shouldn't have trusted. told secrets that i should've kept. i'm beginning to regret my decision.
i, since my thyoid condition, have been more than uncomfortable in my body. somedays i wake up & feel that i have accepted what my body has done & other days i fight tooth & nail to not hate the way i look. i don't know how many times i have looked in the mirror & been so disgusted at the way i am now. i feel i can never be "gorgeous". i'm not. i know it was out of my control but i am gross. horrid. i sometimes think i take better pictures than what i really look like in person. maybe that's why i was always a print model?
speaking of body image i absolutely hate my braces. i haven't come to accept the fact that i now look like an overweight round faced twelve year old with braces. i don't like smiling. i sometimes don't like talking. i'm beginning to be critical. i'm really good with the fake self-confidence thing.
as stupid as this sounds i miss having "someone". i miss having a relationship even a casual dating relationship. i miss having someone to talk to. i miss having someone to hold. i miss being able to be goofy. i miss feeling protected. i miss feeling wanted. i haven't been wanted in a long time. it kills when you never feel good enough.
i'm really hurt right now if we're being honest. i feel defeated & beat down. i feel used. i feel rejected. i'm very used to these feelings. i'm trying to not let them eat away at me but they are...
i have to be busy or i realize that i am: alone & with no set purpose in life other than to live through my music. i have nothing really but a tiny shred of dignity. i'm losing that too...
i used to love myself, through & through. after people use you, hurt you, disappoint, & lie to you it breaks you down. all this time i was strong i thought that it wasn;t me & then it all starts attacking you & making you think how worthless & ugly you are...i've been told this all my life but maybe maybe they were right. i feel like a failure.
i thank goodness for the friends i have that really know me. who hold me together when i feel everything is falling apart. i've been slowly falling apart behind closed doors for quite awhile. i've talked with most of them & they have encouraged me to love who i am that is isn't me. it isn't. i tell myself everyday that i am & will be ok. even if i am not the most gorgeous girl, if i can't get a boyfriend, i can't afford a bachelors degree...i am going to be OK! i need to love myself again. i just feel really mistreated. are there any good guys left? i'm waiting. i believe if there are they are worth waiting for...just wait & hold on.
i feel like this was horridly depressing & i apologize but this is me being honest. i can't lie anymore when truth is screaming to get out. so maybe the next time you are with me & you are about to lie. you're about to get my hopes up. the next time you look into my rather large green eyes you will stop & think...that there's a hurting little girl in there.
i'm on the mend. i won't let history repeat itself. it's taken years to get over & i don't think i can take it again. i can be quite the mess but amongst it, somewhere, there's beauty. inner beauty that will hopefully reflect outwardly...
