nine.

i've been doing a lot of thinking lately. i don't know how many times i have sat down to write something & just given up. i have so many things running through my head that there's just no way to put them into, or well, onto this virtual paper.

lots of things have been changing. some things have changed slowly & i was able to catch the change & deal appropriately. while others changed so quickly that it has taken me off guard. change is good. it is sometimes extremely uncomfortable but i always believe it is good. it allows you to grow in ways you never thought imaginable.

i feel like i am about to cross a bridge in my life. i am looking down the road ahead but i must get over this bridge first. i have lots of decisions to make & they are sadly not little ones. they are quite crucial & it kind of makes me fearful. changes that could effect everything in my future. i wish i had an outline of my life. an outline is never definite but it does give you a sense of the direction of order. i want that. sadly, life is not that accommodating.

i decided after lots of consideration to give up something or yet someone i have wanted to hold onto for awhile. reality hit me one day & blinders were taken off my eyes. i sat down on my bed & weighed out everything & found that it was a lost cause, a waste of my beautiful & precious time, & it was simply not worth it. i pulled out my prayers & list of what i so long for &...it did not line up. i should've done it quite some time ago but sometimes the truth hurts & we try to avoid it. i honestly thought it would take a while to let go & get over but surprisingly it didn't. everything i felt kind of just vanished. if only it were that easy every time...

oh, music. i've never felt so creative in my whole entire life. i am trying to take advantage of it. the fall is still up in the air. do i push myself so hard & come out stronger or take the easy route? the first option might make me incredibly miserable but in the end i think it would be more beneficial. i have a lot to decide. i, unlike my normal self, have decided not to worry about it till the time comes. so i won't. it is officially on the back shelf of my mind. when the time is right things will fall into place.

i'm quite content with life at the moment. i've been on a crazy roller coaster the last week or so...my health is well how it always seems to be, horrid. there's a select few who know how i really feel. there's nothing i can do though but pretend that i feel completely fine. i get embarrassed when people go into my bathroom & there's black hair covering the ground. my hair has been falling out more than it ever has & my energy is non existent. but i will go on acting as if i am ok. after all, no one can help me. so i look to the Lord for supernatural strength to make it through each day. but for some odd reason i am happy still. i'm not sure what has brought on this contentment...despite my total confusion about life, currently, i am happy. the only thing that can explain this happiness is the feeling of hope. there's a way - some way.

hope in Christ. hope in love. hope that one day everything will fall into place & make some sense. that's my hope.

eight.

my history has so devastatingly has been repeating right in front of my eyes & i have been blind & oblivious to it. how could i allow this to happen?

let me just spill about my insecurities & my fears for a moment if you don't mind. most people seem to not care aabout hurting me anyway. i am breathing & that is all that matters. if i am dying on the inside it doesn't matter. i'm going to be extremely frank.

i am extremely afraid of trusting anyone. i've trusted people i shouldn't have trusted. told secrets that i should've kept. i'm beginning to regret my decision.

i, since my thyoid condition, have been more than uncomfortable in my body. somedays i wake up & feel that i have accepted what my body has done & other days i fight tooth & nail to not hate the way i look. i don't know how many times i have looked in the mirror & been so disgusted at the way i am now. i feel i can never be "gorgeous". i'm not. i know it was out of my control but i am gross. horrid. i sometimes think i take better pictures than what i really look like in person. maybe that's why i was always a print model?

speaking of body image i absolutely hate my braces. i haven't come to accept the fact that i now look like an overweight round faced twelve year old with braces. i don't like smiling. i sometimes don't like talking. i'm beginning to be critical. i'm really good with the fake self-confidence thing.

as stupid as this sounds i miss having "someone". i miss having a relationship even a casual dating relationship. i miss having someone to talk to. i miss having someone to hold. i miss being able to be goofy. i miss feeling protected. i miss feeling wanted. i haven't been wanted in a long time. it kills when you never feel good enough.

i'm really hurt right now if we're being honest. i feel defeated & beat down. i feel used. i feel rejected. i'm very used to these feelings. i'm trying to not let them eat away at me but they are...

i have to be busy or i realize that i am: alone & with no set purpose in life other than to live through my music. i have nothing really but a tiny shred of dignity. i'm losing that too...

i used to love myself, through & through. after people use you, hurt you, disappoint, & lie to you it breaks you down. all this time i was strong i thought that it wasn;t me & then it all starts attacking you & making you think how worthless & ugly you are...i've been told this all my life but maybe maybe they were right. i feel like a failure.

i thank goodness for the friends i have that really know me. who hold me together when i feel everything is falling apart. i've been slowly falling apart behind closed doors for quite awhile. i've talked with most of them & they have encouraged me to love who i am that is isn't me. it isn't. i tell myself everyday that i am & will be ok. even if i am not the most gorgeous girl, if i can't get a boyfriend, i can't afford a bachelors degree...i am going to be OK! i need to love myself again. i just feel really mistreated. are there any good guys left? i'm waiting. i believe if there are they are worth waiting for...just wait & hold on.

i feel like this was horridly depressing & i apologize but this is me being honest. i can't lie anymore when truth is screaming to get out. so maybe the next time you are with me & you are about to lie. you're about to get my hopes up. the next time you look into my rather large green eyes you will stop & think...that there's a hurting little girl in there.

i'm on the mend. i won't let history repeat itself. it's taken years to get over & i don't think i can take it again. i can be quite the mess but amongst it, somewhere, there's beauty. inner beauty that will hopefully reflect outwardly...