nine.

i've been doing a lot of thinking lately. i don't know how many times i have sat down to write something & just given up. i have so many things running through my head that there's just no way to put them into, or well, onto this virtual paper.

lots of things have been changing. some things have changed slowly & i was able to catch the change & deal appropriately. while others changed so quickly that it has taken me off guard. change is good. it is sometimes extremely uncomfortable but i always believe it is good. it allows you to grow in ways you never thought imaginable.

i feel like i am about to cross a bridge in my life. i am looking down the road ahead but i must get over this bridge first. i have lots of decisions to make & they are sadly not little ones. they are quite crucial & it kind of makes me fearful. changes that could effect everything in my future. i wish i had an outline of my life. an outline is never definite but it does give you a sense of the direction of order. i want that. sadly, life is not that accommodating.

i decided after lots of consideration to give up something or yet someone i have wanted to hold onto for awhile. reality hit me one day & blinders were taken off my eyes. i sat down on my bed & weighed out everything & found that it was a lost cause, a waste of my beautiful & precious time, & it was simply not worth it. i pulled out my prayers & list of what i so long for &...it did not line up. i should've done it quite some time ago but sometimes the truth hurts & we try to avoid it. i honestly thought it would take a while to let go & get over but surprisingly it didn't. everything i felt kind of just vanished. if only it were that easy every time...

oh, music. i've never felt so creative in my whole entire life. i am trying to take advantage of it. the fall is still up in the air. do i push myself so hard & come out stronger or take the easy route? the first option might make me incredibly miserable but in the end i think it would be more beneficial. i have a lot to decide. i, unlike my normal self, have decided not to worry about it till the time comes. so i won't. it is officially on the back shelf of my mind. when the time is right things will fall into place.

i'm quite content with life at the moment. i've been on a crazy roller coaster the last week or so...my health is well how it always seems to be, horrid. there's a select few who know how i really feel. there's nothing i can do though but pretend that i feel completely fine. i get embarrassed when people go into my bathroom & there's black hair covering the ground. my hair has been falling out more than it ever has & my energy is non existent. but i will go on acting as if i am ok. after all, no one can help me. so i look to the Lord for supernatural strength to make it through each day. but for some odd reason i am happy still. i'm not sure what has brought on this contentment...despite my total confusion about life, currently, i am happy. the only thing that can explain this happiness is the feeling of hope. there's a way - some way.

hope in Christ. hope in love. hope that one day everything will fall into place & make some sense. that's my hope.