eleven.

i realized today that i have not written on here in quite some time. i feel very compelled to share my thoughts. i know they will seem scattered & i possibly might ramble but that is exactly how my mind feels at the moment.

today was an interesting easter. i woke up for church but i was anticipating the rest of the days events. as i arrived to church i literally was blocking out the purpose of "church". i was antsy & impatient today. after an hour worth of worship and communion i stepped off the stage to grab my things and head out. i felt like escaping thoughts and ideas. well, come to think of it i believe i was running away. i had picked a weird day to do so.

i arrived at my home in a frenzy. lately, i have been extremely disorganized and scatterbrained. i was gathering and talking myself through the list of things i needed. i jumped back in my vehicle and proceeded to speed. i felt like i was running. running from a lot of things. all i knew was that today i was getting away from everything that's been weighing so heavily on me lately.

upon arriving at starbucks to meet with everyone i kept thinking, freedom. the only word that could describe what i would be feeling. we piled in the burban and off we went to the lake. when we arrived i felt relief. i was away from everything. this was a new place and every pressure was gone. the water, despite the mud, was beautiful. i might not swimming in water but there's a peace that radiates from its' surface. it was absolutely beautiful out today. the temperature was just right and a cool breeze would kiss your face ever once in a while. i met new people and had entertaining conversations. all was well out on the lake.

as the day wore down and the evening approached we all, after dinner, decided to head back to our homes. everyone was reunited with cars and we all said our goodbyes. as i started to drive off my mind started reeling. easter, today was the day that Christ arose. i know what i've been doing lately. i know what i have been running from...my faith. oh, the dangers of doubt. oh, the questions that haunt me.

i arrived home which is sometimes better known as a war zone. egg shells are easily broken. so much anger & frustration have been built up. i had to let my feelings be known. i do not like being walked on or taken advantage of. it infuriates me in so many ways. i layed it all out on the table. i was ready to stand up and say what i needed to say. words are amazing. words are often what start wars. that is exactly what mine did. almost immediately i was under siege. my mother can not shield me from words. i was open game for a slue of untruthful attacks. i refuse to listen to a person who claims to know it all when in fact they know nothing. i refuse to listen to a person attack me when they in reality do not know me.

my room is my place of refuge. though i am safe my ears are not. i was called the following: selfish, a mother f****** b****, ungrateful b****, self centered, a lazy a**, control freak, f****** liar, & the rest all became a blur. as i sat quietly in my room i coould feel my blood boil. i am being attacked & yet i can not defend myself. it the most frustrating and scary feeling in the world. i stormed out and with hands shaking by my side and tears running down my face i so calmly said, "you, you are the worst example of a christian."

there's always quiet before the storm. there's a small flame before a wild fire. i ignited just that, a wild fire...

the name calling became louder and more fierce. i quickly found refuge. this is why i have been questioning my faith. i grew up being fed that, "Christ is love!" there's no love like a father's love. my father's love has been tainted. it is conditional and can be taken away at anytime. as all these thoughts are pacing my brain i hear my father yell at the top of his lungs, "i do not like that child. i love her but do not like her. she is the cause to every problem. without her life would be perfect." i hear my mom crying and i am trying to process what i just heard. it's a hurt that no one should ever feel. it's a heartbreak that's hurt worse than any boy.

what can i do but question God. are you really real? where are you? why have you placed me here? now? i close my eyes and wait to hear to feel. nothing. absolutely nothing. everything doesn't feel right. i can't "feel" God. all my faith is non existant. it is gone. have i doubted so much that i am losing the very basis of my belief system. have i been programmed to think and feel based on something that could quite possibly not be true? but to believe would feel better than this, emptiness. i had an hour of pure and utter emptiness. my physical body and spirit seemed so disconnect. i felt dead. here i am broken and empty and trying to connect my faith to logic. they do not work out so well. faith is not logical. all the philosophies in the world could not make faith make sense. it simply doesn't.

my mind is running through all files. i'm trying to put it all back together. trying to understand what i am feeling and what i have lost. alas it is i who has caused the emptiness. maybe i needed to question my faith and my beliefs. maybe i needed to feel what it would feel like without Christ. i asked for it. i've been pushing Christ away. i've told Him to leave me alone and let me be. i told Him it didn't make sense anymore. nothing made sense anymore. i asked for it. He gave me what i wanted and in turn i felt what it felt like to be faithless and broken. to fight a war with no armor to be in an open battlefield literally "asking for it".

i am rediscovering the meaning of faith. i am rediscovering my "relationship" with Christ. i do not want some watered down religion plagued with traditions. i do not want the logic of man. i want wisdom. i want love. i want the unconditional love of my Father in heaven. if my earthly father can not and will not love me i must rely on the love of Christ.

Christ's love consisted of dying for me. dying for a people so undeserving. we never showed Him love. He never expected it. despite that he still gave up His life. we love because He first loved. it all makes sense. maybe not to our simple minds but to our hearts it does. it makes perfect sense. i've spent so much time reading the writings of philosophers who till they day they died wrestled with the same questions i have had. i guess i have come to this conclusion: i would rather believe in something than to believe nothing at all.

i feel like i have fought a war. i am wounded and weary. i know that i have a savior, a rescuer, a redeemer. i know that He loves me even if no one else in this world does. He laid his life down for me even though i have doubted Him, questioned Him, & cursed Him. He did it anyway. i am forever grateful. i am re-finding the meaning of faith and becoming reacquainted with my Father.

i am a Christ follower.

ten.

i want to cry. i want to scream. i want fall weather. i want answers. i want to live guilt free. i want to say what i mean. i want this. i want that. i want to find the person to bridge the gap. i want to hit you. i want to kiss you.

i am tried. i am weary. i am a mess. i am broken. i am sick. i am a mistress. i am a lover. i am breaking hearts undercover. i am hurt. i am broken. i am everything you had. i am everything you want back.

i need love. i need help. i need hope. i need him. i need God. i need forgiveness. i need things to make sense. i need music. i need coffee. i need to run. i need more than temporary fun. i need everything but this. i need nothing. i need bliss.

they taunt me. they want me. they destroy me. they haunt me. they won't go away. they are here to stay.

they all remind me...i'm me.

nine.

i've been doing a lot of thinking lately. i don't know how many times i have sat down to write something & just given up. i have so many things running through my head that there's just no way to put them into, or well, onto this virtual paper.

lots of things have been changing. some things have changed slowly & i was able to catch the change & deal appropriately. while others changed so quickly that it has taken me off guard. change is good. it is sometimes extremely uncomfortable but i always believe it is good. it allows you to grow in ways you never thought imaginable.

i feel like i am about to cross a bridge in my life. i am looking down the road ahead but i must get over this bridge first. i have lots of decisions to make & they are sadly not little ones. they are quite crucial & it kind of makes me fearful. changes that could effect everything in my future. i wish i had an outline of my life. an outline is never definite but it does give you a sense of the direction of order. i want that. sadly, life is not that accommodating.

i decided after lots of consideration to give up something or yet someone i have wanted to hold onto for awhile. reality hit me one day & blinders were taken off my eyes. i sat down on my bed & weighed out everything & found that it was a lost cause, a waste of my beautiful & precious time, & it was simply not worth it. i pulled out my prayers & list of what i so long for &...it did not line up. i should've done it quite some time ago but sometimes the truth hurts & we try to avoid it. i honestly thought it would take a while to let go & get over but surprisingly it didn't. everything i felt kind of just vanished. if only it were that easy every time...

oh, music. i've never felt so creative in my whole entire life. i am trying to take advantage of it. the fall is still up in the air. do i push myself so hard & come out stronger or take the easy route? the first option might make me incredibly miserable but in the end i think it would be more beneficial. i have a lot to decide. i, unlike my normal self, have decided not to worry about it till the time comes. so i won't. it is officially on the back shelf of my mind. when the time is right things will fall into place.

i'm quite content with life at the moment. i've been on a crazy roller coaster the last week or so...my health is well how it always seems to be, horrid. there's a select few who know how i really feel. there's nothing i can do though but pretend that i feel completely fine. i get embarrassed when people go into my bathroom & there's black hair covering the ground. my hair has been falling out more than it ever has & my energy is non existent. but i will go on acting as if i am ok. after all, no one can help me. so i look to the Lord for supernatural strength to make it through each day. but for some odd reason i am happy still. i'm not sure what has brought on this contentment...despite my total confusion about life, currently, i am happy. the only thing that can explain this happiness is the feeling of hope. there's a way - some way.

hope in Christ. hope in love. hope that one day everything will fall into place & make some sense. that's my hope.

eight.

my history has so devastatingly has been repeating right in front of my eyes & i have been blind & oblivious to it. how could i allow this to happen?

let me just spill about my insecurities & my fears for a moment if you don't mind. most people seem to not care aabout hurting me anyway. i am breathing & that is all that matters. if i am dying on the inside it doesn't matter. i'm going to be extremely frank.

i am extremely afraid of trusting anyone. i've trusted people i shouldn't have trusted. told secrets that i should've kept. i'm beginning to regret my decision.

i, since my thyoid condition, have been more than uncomfortable in my body. somedays i wake up & feel that i have accepted what my body has done & other days i fight tooth & nail to not hate the way i look. i don't know how many times i have looked in the mirror & been so disgusted at the way i am now. i feel i can never be "gorgeous". i'm not. i know it was out of my control but i am gross. horrid. i sometimes think i take better pictures than what i really look like in person. maybe that's why i was always a print model?

speaking of body image i absolutely hate my braces. i haven't come to accept the fact that i now look like an overweight round faced twelve year old with braces. i don't like smiling. i sometimes don't like talking. i'm beginning to be critical. i'm really good with the fake self-confidence thing.

as stupid as this sounds i miss having "someone". i miss having a relationship even a casual dating relationship. i miss having someone to talk to. i miss having someone to hold. i miss being able to be goofy. i miss feeling protected. i miss feeling wanted. i haven't been wanted in a long time. it kills when you never feel good enough.

i'm really hurt right now if we're being honest. i feel defeated & beat down. i feel used. i feel rejected. i'm very used to these feelings. i'm trying to not let them eat away at me but they are...

i have to be busy or i realize that i am: alone & with no set purpose in life other than to live through my music. i have nothing really but a tiny shred of dignity. i'm losing that too...

i used to love myself, through & through. after people use you, hurt you, disappoint, & lie to you it breaks you down. all this time i was strong i thought that it wasn;t me & then it all starts attacking you & making you think how worthless & ugly you are...i've been told this all my life but maybe maybe they were right. i feel like a failure.

i thank goodness for the friends i have that really know me. who hold me together when i feel everything is falling apart. i've been slowly falling apart behind closed doors for quite awhile. i've talked with most of them & they have encouraged me to love who i am that is isn't me. it isn't. i tell myself everyday that i am & will be ok. even if i am not the most gorgeous girl, if i can't get a boyfriend, i can't afford a bachelors degree...i am going to be OK! i need to love myself again. i just feel really mistreated. are there any good guys left? i'm waiting. i believe if there are they are worth waiting for...just wait & hold on.

i feel like this was horridly depressing & i apologize but this is me being honest. i can't lie anymore when truth is screaming to get out. so maybe the next time you are with me & you are about to lie. you're about to get my hopes up. the next time you look into my rather large green eyes you will stop & think...that there's a hurting little girl in there.

i'm on the mend. i won't let history repeat itself. it's taken years to get over & i don't think i can take it again. i can be quite the mess but amongst it, somewhere, there's beauty. inner beauty that will hopefully reflect outwardly...

seven.

i feel ridiculously stupid. yep.

six.

i only wish i could fully & understandably describe all what's going on in my head right now. i truly believe you can only keep hiding things from yourself by stuffing them down for so long then they must come out. i am doing everything in my power to prevent that explosion of emotion from coming...i busy myself, contantly. if i sit around it starts trying to expel itself. i am refusing. i know i'd feel better if i just said what i needed to say but it will not happen. i'd rather be silent & a little miserable than the consequences & possible side effects of the situation.

one of the only times i have confronted someone i cared about it turned out to be a mess. so i from then on out have decided to keep everything to myself despite it's negative effects on me...it's worth it right? well maybe not logically but it is...it is. it is.

on a happier note...i'll write about the good events of this weekend. just not in the reminiscing mood at the moment.

five.

i just woke up from a mini seizure. i haven't had one in over a year. i was lying on my couch sleeping quite well when my head started pounding, my eyes flew open, & like electricity running through my body i started flailing about. the weird thing about seizures is that you are conscience of what is happening but you can't stop it. it's the oddest feeling like something has taken over your body. something is more powerful than you are. it ended quickly, thank goodness, but i'm still reeling. my head hurts & i am sick to my stomach to the point where i can't stand up at the moment. i can't figure out what could've triggered it.

besides the randomness of that event my weekend/week has been very good. i've gotten to spend quality time with PAC members. i love them. they are truly my best friends. i'm not real sure what i'd do without them. i can call any of them at any time & one if not all will come hang out with me. i don't think i have ever had a group a friends like that.

last night i went over to jacie's house around 11pm to work on making harry potter glasses for quidditch today. well, i ended up watching her make them. i watched youtube videos haha. after the glasses were made jacie & i decided to write some very random songs as well as act a little at like 2am. it's funny how much fun we have doing the simplest of things. speaking of yesterday me & two other PAC members went on a nice bike ride/walk. it was in the mid to high to 90's but we had fun exercising. then another PAC member went to walmart so he could grab quidditch equipment then in boredom we headed to the vintage township to walk around. it was a good day...

oh, now on to more personal matters, love life. the one that i thought was non existant now is existing & i am honestly not handling it well. i went on a random date the other night which was a bore but besides that all of a sudden a few guys have taken an interest. if i might be honest it is quite overwhelming. i don't know how long i have said that i have wanted a relationship & now that i have that i have a serious chance of having one i'm scared to death. i am pushing them away. it's funny how it all works out the one you want you can't have but then again you might be that "one" someone else wants that they can't have. i keep telling myself i am to busy. i am but i think a lot of it is fear. i don't know if someone caring for me that much scares me but it does or if it just not a mutual feeling. i'm not real sure but i have to work some things out first in my mind before i commit. i feel oddly chased...a little vunerable as well. i wasn't expecting all this attention. i got what i wanted right?! be careful what you wish for...

anyway, this was a weird blog haha. i think i am going to lay back down & try to feel better.