today was an interesting easter. i woke up for church but i was anticipating the rest of the days events. as i arrived to church i literally was blocking out the purpose of "church". i was antsy & impatient today. after an hour worth of worship and communion i stepped off the stage to grab my things and head out. i felt like escaping thoughts and ideas. well, come to think of it i believe i was running away. i had picked a weird day to do so.
i arrived at my home in a frenzy. lately, i have been extremely disorganized and scatterbrained. i was gathering and talking myself through the list of things i needed. i jumped back in my vehicle and proceeded to speed. i felt like i was running. running from a lot of things. all i knew was that today i was getting away from everything that's been weighing so heavily on me lately.
upon arriving at starbucks to meet with everyone i kept thinking, freedom. the only word that could describe what i would be feeling. we piled in the burban and off we went to the lake. when we arrived i felt relief. i was away from everything. this was a new place and every pressure was gone. the water, despite the mud, was beautiful. i might not swimming in water but there's a peace that radiates from its' surface. it was absolutely beautiful out today. the temperature was just right and a cool breeze would kiss your face ever once in a while. i met new people and had entertaining conversations. all was well out on the lake.
as the day wore down and the evening approached we all, after dinner, decided to head back to our homes. everyone was reunited with cars and we all said our goodbyes. as i started to drive off my mind started reeling. easter, today was the day that Christ arose. i know what i've been doing lately. i know what i have been running from...my faith. oh, the dangers of doubt. oh, the questions that haunt me.
i arrived home which is sometimes better known as a war zone. egg shells are easily broken. so much anger & frustration have been built up. i had to let my feelings be known. i do not like being walked on or taken advantage of. it infuriates me in so many ways. i layed it all out on the table. i was ready to stand up and say what i needed to say. words are amazing. words are often what start wars. that is exactly what mine did. almost immediately i was under siege. my mother can not shield me from words. i was open game for a slue of untruthful attacks. i refuse to listen to a person who claims to know it all when in fact they know nothing. i refuse to listen to a person attack me when they in reality do not know me.
my room is my place of refuge. though i am safe my ears are not. i was called the following: selfish, a mother f****** b****, ungrateful b****, self centered, a lazy a**, control freak, f****** liar, & the rest all became a blur. as i sat quietly in my room i coould feel my blood boil. i am being attacked & yet i can not defend myself. it the most frustrating and scary feeling in the world. i stormed out and with hands shaking by my side and tears running down my face i so calmly said, "you, you are the worst example of a christian."
there's always quiet before the storm. there's a small flame before a wild fire. i ignited just that, a wild fire...
the name calling became louder and more fierce. i quickly found refuge. this is why i have been questioning my faith. i grew up being fed that, "Christ is love!" there's no love like a father's love. my father's love has been tainted. it is conditional and can be taken away at anytime. as all these thoughts are pacing my brain i hear my father yell at the top of his lungs, "i do not like that child. i love her but do not like her. she is the cause to every problem. without her life would be perfect." i hear my mom crying and i am trying to process what i just heard. it's a hurt that no one should ever feel. it's a heartbreak that's hurt worse than any boy.
what can i do but question God. are you really real? where are you? why have you placed me here? now? i close my eyes and wait to hear to feel. nothing. absolutely nothing. everything doesn't feel right. i can't "feel" God. all my faith is non existant. it is gone. have i doubted so much that i am losing the very basis of my belief system. have i been programmed to think and feel based on something that could quite possibly not be true? but to believe would feel better than this, emptiness. i had an hour of pure and utter emptiness. my physical body and spirit seemed so disconnect. i felt dead. here i am broken and empty and trying to connect my faith to logic. they do not work out so well. faith is not logical. all the philosophies in the world could not make faith make sense. it simply doesn't.
my mind is running through all files. i'm trying to put it all back together. trying to understand what i am feeling and what i have lost. alas it is i who has caused the emptiness. maybe i needed to question my faith and my beliefs. maybe i needed to feel what it would feel like without Christ. i asked for it. i've been pushing Christ away. i've told Him to leave me alone and let me be. i told Him it didn't make sense anymore. nothing made sense anymore. i asked for it. He gave me what i wanted and in turn i felt what it felt like to be faithless and broken. to fight a war with no armor to be in an open battlefield literally "asking for it".
i am rediscovering the meaning of faith. i am rediscovering my "relationship" with Christ. i do not want some watered down religion plagued with traditions. i do not want the logic of man. i want wisdom. i want love. i want the unconditional love of my Father in heaven. if my earthly father can not and will not love me i must rely on the love of Christ.
Christ's love consisted of dying for me. dying for a people so undeserving. we never showed Him love. He never expected it. despite that he still gave up His life. we love because He first loved. it all makes sense. maybe not to our simple minds but to our hearts it does. it makes perfect sense. i've spent so much time reading the writings of philosophers who till they day they died wrestled with the same questions i have had. i guess i have come to this conclusion: i would rather believe in something than to believe nothing at all.
i feel like i have fought a war. i am wounded and weary. i know that i have a savior, a rescuer, a redeemer. i know that He loves me even if no one else in this world does. He laid his life down for me even though i have doubted Him, questioned Him, & cursed Him. He did it anyway. i am forever grateful. i am re-finding the meaning of faith and becoming reacquainted with my Father.
i am a Christ follower.
