one.

i fell asleep quite quickly last night. i fell asleep in my dress. i feel asleep listening to the spring awakening soundtrack. as i curled up in my bed "those you've known" started playing. i was quite cold & could not find my blanket so i positioned myself in a fetal position. i felt so relieved about some things & yet still carrying so much but i shall continue to bore some secrets. somethings are never meant to be spoken. if you know, me, you'll be able so read my eyes. if you find that i can't quite look you in the eyes consider the words i will never speak to you...consider.

i woke up early for church which i had not been to in quite sometime. life has been wearing me down. i've become a tried & weary actress. i can play happy like a pro. i arrived ten minutes late & sat on the very back row. i tried so hard to concentrate on the words. we were reading in exodus three when God revealed himself to moses through the burning bush. moses, oh dear moses. i was skimming the tattered pages in bible. then all i heard is, "who is to say you're not worth it? who is to say your not good enough? who said you can't? who has the right?" my eyes widened, my heart began to race, my hands begin to shake. i felt like he was speaking to me like there was no one else in that whole room. i felt nervous & anxious for the words that followed. "the only time you are alone is the moment you decide you are alone. God never leaves you." it's everything i didn't want to hear but needed to hear. it's so simple. so simple.

in my mind i was pacing. here i am at this point in my life where i can start all over. rebuild what i have torn down & destroyed. there must be destruction before something becomes better. i'd gotten so much & yet so little accomplished last night. sometimes i wish people could read my mind so i wouldn't be haunted by what i should & need to say. the last thing i want to feel is rejection. i will spill my heart about everything else but this one thing. just one thing. one.

with a new beginning right here in front of me i can step back & evaluate my position in this world. i am so close to accomplishing a goal that seems so samll to most but means the world to me. college for me is about to come to a close. the chapter is so close to a finish. it's rush of fear & yet freedom. everyone wants to know what it is next & i can't answer because i do not yet know. i am somewhat ok with the feeling. i want to travel & discover. i want new york, seattle, london, & paris. i want to walk & not know where i am going. i want to meet people & experience culture. i will be able to do this & that is a crazy amazing confusing feeling. it's what i need - wind through my hair - the rush of freedom filling my lungs.

should i give way to someone. oh i would. love is worth it. love, true love is worth giving up life itself for. there is hope for love. hope without faith can not survive. they are quite the pair. so i must aquire faith. then believe in hope. oh & love shall follow. it's a recipe for life. give me life. give me liberty. give me love...

as for now, i will curl up in my bed & dream. dream until there's nothing more to dream till hope dies. i can do anything. that option is still open. it has never been taken away. it's my human right given by God as free will. i am free. freedom is running through my veins. so as i rebuild as i recapture passion & dream i will find happiness in the moment. the day. the sound of a rushing car. the smell of rain. the air filling my lungs. the whispers of the trees. i will be happy for the sake of pursuing joy & hopefully living life to the potencial that God created me to fulfill.