start anew.

i have been a mess all day. i decided to start all over. i have so many things just running through my mind. i stayed up all night with some friends & then this morning we decided to drive to the country & watch the sunrise while dancing to the oldies on the radio. a rush of memories flooded my mind as the sun arose on the horizon. though i was smiling so brightly & dancing in the streets i wanted so bad to just breakdown & cry. i've become a good actress. i will be laughing on the outside & dying inside. nothing is right at the moment. i had been in great spirits believing that it's alright. that i am alright. that i am ok. i am not. i know what i want i can't have & so i lie & say that i have no idea what i want. the thing about lying to yourself is that when you are a good liar you begin to believe your lies.

i've got my share of secrets. the skeletons in my closet are coming alive & ready to pay a visit to anyone willing to keep them company. i keep shoving them back in. i know them by name my sweet hurt, anger, shame, my past, my love. i only have so much strength to keep them in check. oh but today, every bit of my strength left me. my skeletons knocked me down to the floor, walked all over me, & taunted me. needless to say i lost it. after being kicked so sudden when i was already way down i ran to my room, locked the door, & cried myself to sleep. i put my blanket over my mouth trying to muffle my pain.

i have been like this in two years. since that day in july. i remember being numb for a moment then grasping my blanket & crying to the point of being ill. though now it is a different situation i had the same reaction. i fell asleep & somehow when you cry yourself to sleep your rest is very peaceful. i was awakened by shattering glass, heavy winds, & hail pounding the ground. it starled me so much that i woke up screaming. i grabbed my robe & ran outside to move some things. i ran across my yard where the wind was moving me & hail abruptly slapped against my body. the cold stole my breath. i stopped & started crying again. thinking to myself, "this feels like my life. it's attacking me. trying to swallow me." on my ay back to the porch i fell hard. i tried so hard to get up but my knee was throbbing. i just wanted someone to give me their hand, help me up, & hold me. i stumbled to my feet & made it inside.

i need my friends right now but i want to be alone at the same time. maybe i am afraid that they might see i am weak right now. i keep confusing myself. i tried eating today & failed. i finally got a sandwich down. i went into take a shower. a long shower, wishing it would wash away everything. every emotion that's been tearing me up. i just wanted to walk out & start over. i got dressed for tonight looking as good as i could being in the state i am in. i then went back to my room which somehow had locked from the inside. the hinge is on the inside, it's a keyed lock, & my window will not open - it never has. my phone would not pick up signal & none of my neighbors were home. so i, in my white lace cocktail dress, walking down three blocks in a hail/rain storm to a corner store. my white lace dress was now a tan tone & was slick against my body & my curled hair now crossed my face, & my makeup was gone & i asked for a phone to call my parents who are in amarillo. i walked back home in the storm, head down. i now looked like what i had been feeling. i went into my backyard & sat on the cold concrete in my dress & started crying again. asking God for guidance & wisdom. i can't do this alone. i feel like i am not good enough for anyone. here i am feeling like a complete fool. i was broken before God. i hadn't felt vunerable well at least i have been hiding it very well.

i took another shower & now i am sitting in my den with candles lit listening to La Valse d'Amelie. i'd been down on myself all day but thanks to my friend rt i spilled my heart. he made me feel a little bit better. i've been told by people i care about that i will never be cared or loved by anyone, that i will never be good enough, or suceed. so in the midst of falling apart i heard those words i had heard as a child ring through my ears. they said that my relationships are reflections of how worthless i am. all we as human beings want is to love & be loved in return. i am always holding my heart on a string for the world to see. i'm so quick to trust. so quick to fall for people who don't care about me nor the condition of my heart. as much as i have told myself i don't want to "tied down" or that i don't need anyone...i can't lie. i do. it's in my dna, my makeup, my personality. all i ever wanted as a little girl was a guy to fall in love with me & grow old with me start an adventure with me then plan a family. i've been fighting those dreams because i want to be selfish. it always comes back to that though. for some odd reason God put a strong desire on my heart for that.

marriage, yea i am in no rush & i still don't want to be hardcore "tied to someone" but i do wish that someone would want to know me as much as i would want to know them. i just want someone to share my heart with & my dreams. i can't continue to lie to myself. i would be foolish & believe me it is what i have been. i've broken myself down & talked myself down so much that now i have to rebuild who i am. i know who i am, thank goodness.

oh today, i have learned & been through every emotion that i have been hiding. i stuff down my anger, i conceal my hurt, i lie about my desires but you as a human can only hold so much in until it must come out. one of the most amazing things though is the beauty of the breakdown & they beauty that comes with the rebuild. it's a process not to be rushed but there is a time to start anew, this is mine.

- christine nicole